Sunday, July 14, 2013

What if we put sharks in a tornado?

by Len Robbins
Guest Columnist
Thomaston Times

I recently watched the trailer for a movie called ?Sharknado.?

?Sharknado? is about two cops ? one straight-laced and by-the-book, the other a renegade ?wild card? who doesn?t play by the rules ? who are paired together to solve a crime. At first, they hate each other. Sparks fly. But, as the story unfolds, they learn to respect one another, and, ultimately, solve the crime!

Hold on. I?m sorry. That?s the plot for the new movie, ?The Heat.? And for ?Lethal Weapon.? And ?Bad Boys.? And ?Rush Hour.? And ?The Other Guys.? And ?Starsky & Hutch.? And ?Tango & Cash.? And ?The French Lieutenant?s Woman.?

No, ?Sharknado,? which premieres July 11 on the SyFy Channel, is about sharks. In a tornado. Sharks in a tornado. Which is why it?s called ?Sharknado.?


In the trailer video, it appears a tornado full of thousands of sharks is attacking Los Angeles. And an undergarment-free Tara Reid runs up to look at a tornado full of sharks. And a teenage helicopter pilot bellows, ?We?re going to need a bigger chopper.?

I?m not kidding. The video (which can be found on YouTube) doesn?t really explain why sharks, whom are predominantly sea creatures, are terrorizing Los Angeles in a huge wind funnel. Or why anyone would go up in a helicopter during a tornado. Or why veteran character actor John Heard would appear in this movie.

I guess I?ll just have to tune into the movie to get some reasonable or scientific or nonsensical explanations for my curiosities.

According to a story in the Los Angeles Times, ?SyFy plans to premiere the film as part of a day-long marathon of shark-related programming.?

According to the story, that programming includes ?Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus,? starring former teen pop star Debbie Gibson; ?Swamp Shark,? starring former major league baseball star Wade Boggs; and ?Sharktopus,? which features a creature that?s part-shark, part-octopus, and all-hilarious, and stars former decent actor Eric Roberts.

Basically, what SyFy has done is find two things the general public fears ? sharks and tornadoes ? and combined them to make a crappy movie. Brilliant!

The possibilities for horrible programming that terrifies and thrills viewers is almost endless:







?Avalanche O? Jellyfish!?

?Snowstorm Con Cobra!?

?White House Down!?

Notice how I put a exclamation point at the end of each title? That?s to further grab attention, and elicit excitement ? a trick I picked up from my English teacher at Barber College. If the makers of ?Sharknado? have made one mistake with this film ? other than, of course, making it ? it?s that they didn?t add an exclamation point at the end of their title. Just my two cents!

Anyhoo, even if you missed the world premiere, I?m sure ?Sharknado? will, because of its immense popularity, have repeated showings. Check your local listings!

? Len Robbins 2013


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